Can I Do It?

TRX was hard last night. It was hard last week. We did shoulder push-ups last week. I don't even know how to begin explaining the hardness that is a shoulder push-up. Keeping your feet on the ground, place your hands on the ground so that you create an upside down V with your body. Now do a push up. Now do ten of them and then run down to the end of the room and do ten burpees. Now run back down and do nine shoulder push-ups and then nine burpees. Then repeat that process until you count down to one. I actually broke down last week attempting to even do ten push-ups much less the entire set. I had to leave the room so the class wouldn't see that I had actually started to cry. I don't like crying in front of others if I can help it but that is a whole 'nother can of worms that I might one day talk about on here if the need or situation arises.

Last night was...I don't have the words to describe last night. We started off with our normal five laps around the track to warm up. Get back to the room and there is this list on the white board. Arthur enjoys the whiteboard a little too much sometimes. He has divided it into three columns. They each say the same thing, they just have the exercises in a slightly different order. And above that he has written the number 500. I've never done 500 reps of anything in my life. So we each pick a column and get started. You have to do the exercises in the order they appear in your column. You have to do 100 reps each for each of the five exercises totaling 500 reps when you have finished. This is to be done in a continuous circuit. You don't have to do all 100 reps at once. I, and most everyone else, broke it down into 5 sets of 20 reps each. I did 100 arm curls, 100 lunges, 100 crunches, 100 TRX rows, and 100 shoulder presses. I did it, but barely.

As I am in about my third set of TRX rows one of the other women has finished and is moving on to the next piece of torture that Arthur has planned. He had written this "equation" on the board. P-U #BW over AS + SU(20) = AWESOME. Let me tell you this right now. It did not equal awesome. We had to do push-ups equal to our body weight. So say you weigh 135, you now must do 135 push-ups. Can't do 135 push-ups all at once you say? That's ok! The bottom part of the equation takes care of that. Once you can't do another proper push-up you must do 20 air squats and sit-ups. Once you've done those get back down and do your push-ups. Repeat until you have done all 135lbs worth. Remember back to my original TRX post when I said I was at least 100lbs overweight? Yeah...I literally stopped what I was doing, right in the middle of my TRX rows, to give him the most serious look of disbelief. There wasn't a chance in hell I could do my body weight in push-ups. I couldn't even do a four year olds body weight in push-ups (for those of you who don't know, that would be about 50). He did cut it in half for me but it was still considerably higher than a 4 year olds body weight.



Taken in 2008. While everyone tells me how
good I look in this picture, I have always
hated it because my face looks fat. I look fat.

Most of the women who take this class are so in shape and I feel like I can't keep up. It took me almost the entire hour to complete the set of 500 and I know, I did it, yay me. But I'm barely doing it. Barely. And sometimes I'm not doing it at all. I'm not even going to go into the push-ups because I ended up quitting after about 15 of them. And I don't know if Arthur, when he is planning the class, truly thinks I can do this or if he has to challenge everyone else because they are in such good shape and he knows that I will do what I can even if it isn't exactly what I am suppose to do. These last two weeks of class have challenged me more than just physically. I just don't know if I can keep up with everyone else. I don't know if I can keep being the last one to finish.

Mentally, I know it will get better with each week. I know that because it already has. When I first started TRX I did everything half way and today I am pushing myself more. I know it will get better. I know I will get stronger. I know I will start to see the changes. Eventually. Until then I have to battle through the mental blocks. Battle through the fear of failure, because I have failed every time before now. I just have to battle through, because I refuse to fail this time. I refuse to give in to my fear and be content with being this way any longer. I refuse to be the fat friend anymore. I refuse to keep hating my body. I refuse to be the girl with the "pretty face" that boys never want to date. I will always hate being the girl who finishes last, but I have to remind myself that something is better than nothing. Going to TRX and feeling like I'm not as good at it as everyone else is still better than that person who isn't going to TRX at all. I don't know if I will ever find the love for working out that people seem to develop. It hasn't happened yet and even if it doesn't, I will battle through. Wish me luck!

Amy <3