Changes

Disclaimer: This post is emotional but it wasn't all bad. There were bright spots in the midst of everything that I say below. This is just something that needs to be said. It is something that needs to be put out there because maybe you, the reader, have been through this too and now you know you aren't alone and if I can do this, you sure as hell can do this. I appreciate everyone's support through this entire journey. Thanks!

This week has been...interesting. And because of that I have caught myself being more lax in my eating habits. I swear I am going to stop and get milk tonight! I have had a lot on my mind and it is something that I think needs to be shared on here. I am reluctant to share this because some of the people who read this...well, I won't say they don't know any of this, but what they might think they know isn't the entire story. They don't know everything. But, I am just going to put it out there...This blog is suppose to be about me losing weight and this subject is an integral part to why I haven't done so before now and why when I have (half-heartedly) tried I have failed.

That word scares the crap out of me. Fail. Failing. Failure. There is some quote or thought or picture meme out there somewhere that says if you are afraid to fail then you will never succeed. I am petrified to fail. To disappoint myself. To disappoint my parents. My parents have given up so much for my brother and I. They sacrificed a new house, trips, and who knows what other luxuries in order to send us to Catholic school K-12 and to send me to a private university. In my fear of failure I never tried and in such, failed. I almost didn't graduate from the fancy private university. I remember going to graduation practice praying my name was on the list so I wouldn't have to call my parents and tell them to turn around and go back home. My parents have always supported me but I have never been able to talk to them about any of this. They and the rest of my family (for as far as I know and probably except for my brother and he would only know because we went to the same schools) don't know much of what I am about to say.

I found this image here.

I've always been the fat kid. Always. I've always been picked on. I was that one kid in your class that everyone else decided wasn't good enough or was too different from everyone else. At least that is how it felt. This went on in varying degrees for thirteen+ years. In pre-school it was because of my red hair and because I had a small, common, speech impediment for young children (my "r" sounded like a "w"). In elementary school it was because I was fat. The girls ignored me for the most part and the boys ran away if I stepped in their direction. While other kids would line up to play kickball, I asked someone if I could play. If they said no, then I would walk around the playground until recess was over.

I remember having this one conversation with a girl in my class. I think we were in third grade. I don't remember how or why, but I told her I didn't think I would ever have a friend. At that point I truly believed that statement. So to those wonderful people that I call my friend I thank you and love you more than I could ever express.

Middle school was hell. Two girls made it their mission to torture me. Seventh grade was the hardest. My closest friend was a year younger and still in elementary school. I had found a group to belong to (which as we all know, so long as you have a group you are good) and had even reconnected with some kids from pre-school. Then for some reason I was kicked out of the group. No one talked to me and everyone made me feel like there was something wrong with me. I didn't know what I had done wrong or why they didn't like me anymore. And I hate to say this but I hated these two main girls who picked on me and I still haven't fully forgiven either one of them for the things they did to me.

There are so many other things, things that I don't think to which I can ever put a voice. Things that, as an adult, I can't believe children of 12 years old would know and then be able to turn it against another person.

Me and one of the most fabulous little
"nephews" ever born.

I know that until now this post has sounded like a big bunch of depressing but all of that crap that I went through has colored how I approach things in my life. I am no longer the mild, timid, scared, shy little girl that my classmates knew for thirteen years, but the bullying that I went through, that I was put through, still makes me feel inadequate. Mentally, I've known for awhile that I am a smart, funny, absolutely fabulous person (if I do say so myself), but there is still that doubt. Emotionally I am in a great place now. A much better place than I have ever been in before. I never would have told you that I was a generally happy person until about a year ago because, well, I just wasn't. My world was too wrapped up in what others thought, though I didn't know it at the time. I would have told you, screw them, I don't care what anyone thinks about me. But I did, because I had been taught (subconsciously) by the bullying that my self-worth was wrapped up in how others viewed me and how they treated me. I had been taught that because I was overweight that everyone would always view me as less than. Because that was how I was treated by my peers for so long.

So, what the hell does all this mean? It means that now I really can say (for the most part), I don't really care how a person views me. If you don't like me then that is fine. Chances are good that I probably don't care for you either. If you don't like me because I am fat, then that is your own shallow, self-absorbed problem. Emotionally, I am good with me. I know who I am. I know my faults. I know I am controlling and a bit bossy and a bit of a know-it-all. But I also know my strengths. I know I can weather the storm, because I have been through the monsoon. I know I am a strong, beautiful, independent, young woman. I am good with me. Now it is time to be good with me physically. That is what all of this has been about.

I hope that this post can help someone else. It has been cathartic for me. More than I thought it would be. I am still scared to death to click that "publish" button because I know that is the point of no return. Then this will be out there for everyone to read. But it is something that needs to be done. Wish me luck!

Amy <3