Can I Do It?

TRX was hard last night. It was hard last week. We did shoulder push-ups last week. I don't even know how to begin explaining the hardness that is a shoulder push-up. Keeping your feet on the ground, place your hands on the ground so that you create an upside down V with your body. Now do a push up. Now do ten of them and then run down to the end of the room and do ten burpees. Now run back down and do nine shoulder push-ups and then nine burpees. Then repeat that process until you count down to one. I actually broke down last week attempting to even do ten push-ups much less the entire set. I had to leave the room so the class wouldn't see that I had actually started to cry. I don't like crying in front of others if I can help it but that is a whole 'nother can of worms that I might one day talk about on here if the need or situation arises.

Last night was...I don't have the words to describe last night. We started off with our normal five laps around the track to warm up. Get back to the room and there is this list on the white board. Arthur enjoys the whiteboard a little too much sometimes. He has divided it into three columns. They each say the same thing, they just have the exercises in a slightly different order. And above that he has written the number 500. I've never done 500 reps of anything in my life. So we each pick a column and get started. You have to do the exercises in the order they appear in your column. You have to do 100 reps each for each of the five exercises totaling 500 reps when you have finished. This is to be done in a continuous circuit. You don't have to do all 100 reps at once. I, and most everyone else, broke it down into 5 sets of 20 reps each. I did 100 arm curls, 100 lunges, 100 crunches, 100 TRX rows, and 100 shoulder presses. I did it, but barely.

As I am in about my third set of TRX rows one of the other women has finished and is moving on to the next piece of torture that Arthur has planned. He had written this "equation" on the board. P-U #BW over AS + SU(20) = AWESOME. Let me tell you this right now. It did not equal awesome. We had to do push-ups equal to our body weight. So say you weigh 135, you now must do 135 push-ups. Can't do 135 push-ups all at once you say? That's ok! The bottom part of the equation takes care of that. Once you can't do another proper push-up you must do 20 air squats and sit-ups. Once you've done those get back down and do your push-ups. Repeat until you have done all 135lbs worth. Remember back to my original TRX post when I said I was at least 100lbs overweight? Yeah...I literally stopped what I was doing, right in the middle of my TRX rows, to give him the most serious look of disbelief. There wasn't a chance in hell I could do my body weight in push-ups. I couldn't even do a four year olds body weight in push-ups (for those of you who don't know, that would be about 50). He did cut it in half for me but it was still considerably higher than a 4 year olds body weight.



Taken in 2008. While everyone tells me how
good I look in this picture, I have always
hated it because my face looks fat. I look fat.

Most of the women who take this class are so in shape and I feel like I can't keep up. It took me almost the entire hour to complete the set of 500 and I know, I did it, yay me. But I'm barely doing it. Barely. And sometimes I'm not doing it at all. I'm not even going to go into the push-ups because I ended up quitting after about 15 of them. And I don't know if Arthur, when he is planning the class, truly thinks I can do this or if he has to challenge everyone else because they are in such good shape and he knows that I will do what I can even if it isn't exactly what I am suppose to do. These last two weeks of class have challenged me more than just physically. I just don't know if I can keep up with everyone else. I don't know if I can keep being the last one to finish.

Mentally, I know it will get better with each week. I know that because it already has. When I first started TRX I did everything half way and today I am pushing myself more. I know it will get better. I know I will get stronger. I know I will start to see the changes. Eventually. Until then I have to battle through the mental blocks. Battle through the fear of failure, because I have failed every time before now. I just have to battle through, because I refuse to fail this time. I refuse to give in to my fear and be content with being this way any longer. I refuse to be the fat friend anymore. I refuse to keep hating my body. I refuse to be the girl with the "pretty face" that boys never want to date. I will always hate being the girl who finishes last, but I have to remind myself that something is better than nothing. Going to TRX and feeling like I'm not as good at it as everyone else is still better than that person who isn't going to TRX at all. I don't know if I will ever find the love for working out that people seem to develop. It hasn't happened yet and even if it doesn't, I will battle through. Wish me luck!

Amy <3

Changes

Disclaimer: This post is emotional but it wasn't all bad. There were bright spots in the midst of everything that I say below. This is just something that needs to be said. It is something that needs to be put out there because maybe you, the reader, have been through this too and now you know you aren't alone and if I can do this, you sure as hell can do this. I appreciate everyone's support through this entire journey. Thanks!

This week has been...interesting. And because of that I have caught myself being more lax in my eating habits. I swear I am going to stop and get milk tonight! I have had a lot on my mind and it is something that I think needs to be shared on here. I am reluctant to share this because some of the people who read this...well, I won't say they don't know any of this, but what they might think they know isn't the entire story. They don't know everything. But, I am just going to put it out there...This blog is suppose to be about me losing weight and this subject is an integral part to why I haven't done so before now and why when I have (half-heartedly) tried I have failed.

That word scares the crap out of me. Fail. Failing. Failure. There is some quote or thought or picture meme out there somewhere that says if you are afraid to fail then you will never succeed. I am petrified to fail. To disappoint myself. To disappoint my parents. My parents have given up so much for my brother and I. They sacrificed a new house, trips, and who knows what other luxuries in order to send us to Catholic school K-12 and to send me to a private university. In my fear of failure I never tried and in such, failed. I almost didn't graduate from the fancy private university. I remember going to graduation practice praying my name was on the list so I wouldn't have to call my parents and tell them to turn around and go back home. My parents have always supported me but I have never been able to talk to them about any of this. They and the rest of my family (for as far as I know and probably except for my brother and he would only know because we went to the same schools) don't know much of what I am about to say.

I found this image here.

I've always been the fat kid. Always. I've always been picked on. I was that one kid in your class that everyone else decided wasn't good enough or was too different from everyone else. At least that is how it felt. This went on in varying degrees for thirteen+ years. In pre-school it was because of my red hair and because I had a small, common, speech impediment for young children (my "r" sounded like a "w"). In elementary school it was because I was fat. The girls ignored me for the most part and the boys ran away if I stepped in their direction. While other kids would line up to play kickball, I asked someone if I could play. If they said no, then I would walk around the playground until recess was over.

I remember having this one conversation with a girl in my class. I think we were in third grade. I don't remember how or why, but I told her I didn't think I would ever have a friend. At that point I truly believed that statement. So to those wonderful people that I call my friend I thank you and love you more than I could ever express.

Middle school was hell. Two girls made it their mission to torture me. Seventh grade was the hardest. My closest friend was a year younger and still in elementary school. I had found a group to belong to (which as we all know, so long as you have a group you are good) and had even reconnected with some kids from pre-school. Then for some reason I was kicked out of the group. No one talked to me and everyone made me feel like there was something wrong with me. I didn't know what I had done wrong or why they didn't like me anymore. And I hate to say this but I hated these two main girls who picked on me and I still haven't fully forgiven either one of them for the things they did to me.

There are so many other things, things that I don't think to which I can ever put a voice. Things that, as an adult, I can't believe children of 12 years old would know and then be able to turn it against another person.

Me and one of the most fabulous little
"nephews" ever born.

I know that until now this post has sounded like a big bunch of depressing but all of that crap that I went through has colored how I approach things in my life. I am no longer the mild, timid, scared, shy little girl that my classmates knew for thirteen years, but the bullying that I went through, that I was put through, still makes me feel inadequate. Mentally, I've known for awhile that I am a smart, funny, absolutely fabulous person (if I do say so myself), but there is still that doubt. Emotionally I am in a great place now. A much better place than I have ever been in before. I never would have told you that I was a generally happy person until about a year ago because, well, I just wasn't. My world was too wrapped up in what others thought, though I didn't know it at the time. I would have told you, screw them, I don't care what anyone thinks about me. But I did, because I had been taught (subconsciously) by the bullying that my self-worth was wrapped up in how others viewed me and how they treated me. I had been taught that because I was overweight that everyone would always view me as less than. Because that was how I was treated by my peers for so long.

So, what the hell does all this mean? It means that now I really can say (for the most part), I don't really care how a person views me. If you don't like me then that is fine. Chances are good that I probably don't care for you either. If you don't like me because I am fat, then that is your own shallow, self-absorbed problem. Emotionally, I am good with me. I know who I am. I know my faults. I know I am controlling and a bit bossy and a bit of a know-it-all. But I also know my strengths. I know I can weather the storm, because I have been through the monsoon. I know I am a strong, beautiful, independent, young woman. I am good with me. Now it is time to be good with me physically. That is what all of this has been about.

I hope that this post can help someone else. It has been cathartic for me. More than I thought it would be. I am still scared to death to click that "publish" button because I know that is the point of no return. Then this will be out there for everyone to read. But it is something that needs to be done. Wish me luck!

Amy <3

Fat Tuesday

I've been at a slight loss as to what to post lately. I've been contemplating a few different ideas, but I think I shall go with the most obvious one today.

Today is "Fat Tuesday." I have never really indulged in the over eating, the King Cake, or the overall binge that tends to accompany this day. I've never really liked this day because I am focused on the day after that. Ash Wednesday. Like I said in a previous post, I am a bad Catholic in that I really don't like the season of Lent. In fact, I dread it every year and it comes solely from a food point of view. For those of you not familiar, during Lent, we as Catholics, give up meat on Ash Wednesday and every Friday during the season. I've mentioned that I am an extremely picky eater and quite frankly, I hate fish. And I have problems finding filling meals that are also budget friendly. I would love to be able to buy crab and lobster to make so wonderful seafood dishes every week, but it just isn't prudent. And I don't really have many seafood recipes in my repertoire.

So now I am trying to re-train my thinking about food and Lent. In previous years I would eat a lot of pasta with awesomely cheesey sauces and thanks to Pinterest (seriously heart it like whoa!) I have found some lower fat, healthier versions of alfredo along with some great new seafood recipes. I will post pictures and links to the recipe as I try them out. Now I just have to remember not to eat meat...Wish me luck!

Amy