Numbers

I saw a friend at Michael's craft store the other day (that place is freaking dangerous for me). She has been reading the blog and asked me how much weight I had lost so far. She isn't the first person to ask me that and the honest answer is that I have absolutely no idea because I haven't weighed myself since before I started being more serious about this.

Writing this post it occurs to me that I haven't really gotten in to what first prompted me to start going to TRX a few months ago. I have had some lower back pain for about eight years now. At first it was very sporadic and barely bothered me but it has gotten progressively worse, especially in the last year or so. I have been to the doctor about it, had an MRI done and they aren't sure what the issue is because I don't fit the normal symptoms for sciatica and nothing showed on the MRI. No bulging disc, no pinched nerve. Nothing. My doctor recommended trying to strengthen the muscles in my back. He gave me a few simple things to do on my own but I've never been very good at following trough on that kind of stuff. I typically need something to keep me held accountable so when Arthur (TRX instructor at work) heard me taking to one of my coworkers about what the doctor had said he recommended that I start attending the Tuesday night class and that started that.

Ok, back on track here. So my mission on Saturday was to try and find a reliable, accurate scale. Do you know how hard it is to find a reliable, accurate scale? This post is something I have been contemplating since I first decided to start this blog. I've been looking at scales since that point, because whether or not I decided to make this post I knew I needed an accurate scale. I decided to start with Bed, Bath, and Beyond because it was where I had gotten a previous scale (which disappeared in a move. No clue what happened to it...). Every single one, whether it cost $19.99 or $199.99, had multiple reviews saying that the scale would give a different weight each time you stepped on it, even if it was only five minutes later. Anywhere I looked and no matter what company had made the scale, I keep running into the same complaint. The digital scales just weren't reliable. I finally decided that I needed to stop looking online and actually go in to a store and see what they had in stock. Since I was in the area I went in to Bed, Bath, and Beyond even though I wasn't able to find something on their website.

It was a little overwhelming. They had at least twenty different scales at different price points. I was prepared to spend a more than I really wanted to spend on a scale. Reasoning stating that the more expensive scales would be more accurate. I saw what I thought would be great scales at all different pricing. I decided (with my trusty iPhone) to check out some reviews on other websites besides just Bed, Bath, and Beyond. I ended up finding a really nice scale. It measures your body fat %  (I know! The only truly accurate way to measure is with a pinch test, but did you know the second most accurate way is to send small electro-magnetic currents through your hands? And we just so happen to have a device that does this at work, so I can check the accuracy of the scale that way!), your BMI, you can set a goal weight and your activity level and it will tell you approximately how many weeks it will take you to reach your goal weight and of course, it tells you how much you weigh. So, though I spent a little more than I originally intended, I think I ended up with a good buy. And, it gives me a consistent weight daily, which is the best part.

Now the hard part...putting these numbers out there for everyone to see. I have debated on whether or not to do this post since before I started this blog. But I decided that if I am going to do this then I need to do it all the way. No hiding behind anything, even if these numbers are...shameful. And even though it may be un-lady like (I am in the South after all) here they are. I currently weigh 264.2 pounds. I have a BMI* of 41.4 and a body fat percentage of 45.1%. My measurements are hips 55 inches, waist 44 inches, and bust 51 inches. These numbers will change for the better come hell or high water. I am determined. I have to be, because I can't live like this the rest of my life. Actually, I probably could, I just don't want to anymore.


Tomorrow I have my before and after photo shoot. I still need to figure out what I want to wear!! Wish me luck!


Amy <3




*A quick note about BMI: This is not really an accurate way to assess your health. Two of our instructors/personal trainers at work have a BMI that says they are obese. These men are the fittest men I know. One of them is my TRX instructor. BMI does not take into account anything other than your height and your weight so if you have a higher muscle mass than is normal (which will make you weigh more) your BMI will be "bad." I use this number only because it is representative of me at this moment and because I do not plan to go past toning my muscles.

The Biggest Loser: Makeover Week

As I was watching The Biggest Loser on Tuesday night (say what you will about that show and I agree with much of it, but I still love it) and it was makeover week. This is the week that every woman who makes it on to that show pines for. It is their very reason for getting that far. It's freaking makeover week. I want on there simply for this week. Well, that and I seem to be a bit of a sadist and I want Jillian and Bob to kick my ass, but that is off topic.

I found this spunky before picture of
Danni here. For her makeover
photo click here.

I have especially connected with Danni this season. She is a few years younger than me and only about five pounds lighter than me at her starting weight (that will be another post that I am still working on). And she has a very similar body type. She didn't look as big as she was and according to others, neither do I. She has done amazingly. She was on Jillian's team, which was quickly decimated after one team member left, and there was a red line that first week that took out another one of her team members. Within the first five weeks she ended up being the only person left. She could have easily made excuses but she didn't and she kicked everyone else's ass. She rocked it. And when she realized she had made it to makeover week she was ecstatic. Dancing around ecstatic. I want that. I want that excitement.


So, I have made a decision. I am going to give that to myself. In my next post I am putting it all out there. Every horrible detail. I am going to set a goal weight. And then I am going to ask my photographer friend to do a photo shoot for me (I hate those grumpy, frumpy before pictures where the person just looks pissed off) and I am going to post my before pictures. When I reach my goal weight I am going to find the most fabulous outfit, get my hair done, get my makeup done (yup, for those of you who know me, I said makeup) and do another photo shoot so I can show off my fabulous new body.Wish me luck!

Amy <3

Can I Do It?

TRX was hard last night. It was hard last week. We did shoulder push-ups last week. I don't even know how to begin explaining the hardness that is a shoulder push-up. Keeping your feet on the ground, place your hands on the ground so that you create an upside down V with your body. Now do a push up. Now do ten of them and then run down to the end of the room and do ten burpees. Now run back down and do nine shoulder push-ups and then nine burpees. Then repeat that process until you count down to one. I actually broke down last week attempting to even do ten push-ups much less the entire set. I had to leave the room so the class wouldn't see that I had actually started to cry. I don't like crying in front of others if I can help it but that is a whole 'nother can of worms that I might one day talk about on here if the need or situation arises.

Last night was...I don't have the words to describe last night. We started off with our normal five laps around the track to warm up. Get back to the room and there is this list on the white board. Arthur enjoys the whiteboard a little too much sometimes. He has divided it into three columns. They each say the same thing, they just have the exercises in a slightly different order. And above that he has written the number 500. I've never done 500 reps of anything in my life. So we each pick a column and get started. You have to do the exercises in the order they appear in your column. You have to do 100 reps each for each of the five exercises totaling 500 reps when you have finished. This is to be done in a continuous circuit. You don't have to do all 100 reps at once. I, and most everyone else, broke it down into 5 sets of 20 reps each. I did 100 arm curls, 100 lunges, 100 crunches, 100 TRX rows, and 100 shoulder presses. I did it, but barely.

As I am in about my third set of TRX rows one of the other women has finished and is moving on to the next piece of torture that Arthur has planned. He had written this "equation" on the board. P-U #BW over AS + SU(20) = AWESOME. Let me tell you this right now. It did not equal awesome. We had to do push-ups equal to our body weight. So say you weigh 135, you now must do 135 push-ups. Can't do 135 push-ups all at once you say? That's ok! The bottom part of the equation takes care of that. Once you can't do another proper push-up you must do 20 air squats and sit-ups. Once you've done those get back down and do your push-ups. Repeat until you have done all 135lbs worth. Remember back to my original TRX post when I said I was at least 100lbs overweight? Yeah...I literally stopped what I was doing, right in the middle of my TRX rows, to give him the most serious look of disbelief. There wasn't a chance in hell I could do my body weight in push-ups. I couldn't even do a four year olds body weight in push-ups (for those of you who don't know, that would be about 50). He did cut it in half for me but it was still considerably higher than a 4 year olds body weight.



Taken in 2008. While everyone tells me how
good I look in this picture, I have always
hated it because my face looks fat. I look fat.

Most of the women who take this class are so in shape and I feel like I can't keep up. It took me almost the entire hour to complete the set of 500 and I know, I did it, yay me. But I'm barely doing it. Barely. And sometimes I'm not doing it at all. I'm not even going to go into the push-ups because I ended up quitting after about 15 of them. And I don't know if Arthur, when he is planning the class, truly thinks I can do this or if he has to challenge everyone else because they are in such good shape and he knows that I will do what I can even if it isn't exactly what I am suppose to do. These last two weeks of class have challenged me more than just physically. I just don't know if I can keep up with everyone else. I don't know if I can keep being the last one to finish.

Mentally, I know it will get better with each week. I know that because it already has. When I first started TRX I did everything half way and today I am pushing myself more. I know it will get better. I know I will get stronger. I know I will start to see the changes. Eventually. Until then I have to battle through the mental blocks. Battle through the fear of failure, because I have failed every time before now. I just have to battle through, because I refuse to fail this time. I refuse to give in to my fear and be content with being this way any longer. I refuse to be the fat friend anymore. I refuse to keep hating my body. I refuse to be the girl with the "pretty face" that boys never want to date. I will always hate being the girl who finishes last, but I have to remind myself that something is better than nothing. Going to TRX and feeling like I'm not as good at it as everyone else is still better than that person who isn't going to TRX at all. I don't know if I will ever find the love for working out that people seem to develop. It hasn't happened yet and even if it doesn't, I will battle through. Wish me luck!

Amy <3

Changes

Disclaimer: This post is emotional but it wasn't all bad. There were bright spots in the midst of everything that I say below. This is just something that needs to be said. It is something that needs to be put out there because maybe you, the reader, have been through this too and now you know you aren't alone and if I can do this, you sure as hell can do this. I appreciate everyone's support through this entire journey. Thanks!

This week has been...interesting. And because of that I have caught myself being more lax in my eating habits. I swear I am going to stop and get milk tonight! I have had a lot on my mind and it is something that I think needs to be shared on here. I am reluctant to share this because some of the people who read this...well, I won't say they don't know any of this, but what they might think they know isn't the entire story. They don't know everything. But, I am just going to put it out there...This blog is suppose to be about me losing weight and this subject is an integral part to why I haven't done so before now and why when I have (half-heartedly) tried I have failed.

That word scares the crap out of me. Fail. Failing. Failure. There is some quote or thought or picture meme out there somewhere that says if you are afraid to fail then you will never succeed. I am petrified to fail. To disappoint myself. To disappoint my parents. My parents have given up so much for my brother and I. They sacrificed a new house, trips, and who knows what other luxuries in order to send us to Catholic school K-12 and to send me to a private university. In my fear of failure I never tried and in such, failed. I almost didn't graduate from the fancy private university. I remember going to graduation practice praying my name was on the list so I wouldn't have to call my parents and tell them to turn around and go back home. My parents have always supported me but I have never been able to talk to them about any of this. They and the rest of my family (for as far as I know and probably except for my brother and he would only know because we went to the same schools) don't know much of what I am about to say.

I found this image here.

I've always been the fat kid. Always. I've always been picked on. I was that one kid in your class that everyone else decided wasn't good enough or was too different from everyone else. At least that is how it felt. This went on in varying degrees for thirteen+ years. In pre-school it was because of my red hair and because I had a small, common, speech impediment for young children (my "r" sounded like a "w"). In elementary school it was because I was fat. The girls ignored me for the most part and the boys ran away if I stepped in their direction. While other kids would line up to play kickball, I asked someone if I could play. If they said no, then I would walk around the playground until recess was over.

I remember having this one conversation with a girl in my class. I think we were in third grade. I don't remember how or why, but I told her I didn't think I would ever have a friend. At that point I truly believed that statement. So to those wonderful people that I call my friend I thank you and love you more than I could ever express.

Middle school was hell. Two girls made it their mission to torture me. Seventh grade was the hardest. My closest friend was a year younger and still in elementary school. I had found a group to belong to (which as we all know, so long as you have a group you are good) and had even reconnected with some kids from pre-school. Then for some reason I was kicked out of the group. No one talked to me and everyone made me feel like there was something wrong with me. I didn't know what I had done wrong or why they didn't like me anymore. And I hate to say this but I hated these two main girls who picked on me and I still haven't fully forgiven either one of them for the things they did to me.

There are so many other things, things that I don't think to which I can ever put a voice. Things that, as an adult, I can't believe children of 12 years old would know and then be able to turn it against another person.

Me and one of the most fabulous little
"nephews" ever born.

I know that until now this post has sounded like a big bunch of depressing but all of that crap that I went through has colored how I approach things in my life. I am no longer the mild, timid, scared, shy little girl that my classmates knew for thirteen years, but the bullying that I went through, that I was put through, still makes me feel inadequate. Mentally, I've known for awhile that I am a smart, funny, absolutely fabulous person (if I do say so myself), but there is still that doubt. Emotionally I am in a great place now. A much better place than I have ever been in before. I never would have told you that I was a generally happy person until about a year ago because, well, I just wasn't. My world was too wrapped up in what others thought, though I didn't know it at the time. I would have told you, screw them, I don't care what anyone thinks about me. But I did, because I had been taught (subconsciously) by the bullying that my self-worth was wrapped up in how others viewed me and how they treated me. I had been taught that because I was overweight that everyone would always view me as less than. Because that was how I was treated by my peers for so long.

So, what the hell does all this mean? It means that now I really can say (for the most part), I don't really care how a person views me. If you don't like me then that is fine. Chances are good that I probably don't care for you either. If you don't like me because I am fat, then that is your own shallow, self-absorbed problem. Emotionally, I am good with me. I know who I am. I know my faults. I know I am controlling and a bit bossy and a bit of a know-it-all. But I also know my strengths. I know I can weather the storm, because I have been through the monsoon. I know I am a strong, beautiful, independent, young woman. I am good with me. Now it is time to be good with me physically. That is what all of this has been about.

I hope that this post can help someone else. It has been cathartic for me. More than I thought it would be. I am still scared to death to click that "publish" button because I know that is the point of no return. Then this will be out there for everyone to read. But it is something that needs to be done. Wish me luck!

Amy <3

Fat Tuesday

I've been at a slight loss as to what to post lately. I've been contemplating a few different ideas, but I think I shall go with the most obvious one today.

Today is "Fat Tuesday." I have never really indulged in the over eating, the King Cake, or the overall binge that tends to accompany this day. I've never really liked this day because I am focused on the day after that. Ash Wednesday. Like I said in a previous post, I am a bad Catholic in that I really don't like the season of Lent. In fact, I dread it every year and it comes solely from a food point of view. For those of you not familiar, during Lent, we as Catholics, give up meat on Ash Wednesday and every Friday during the season. I've mentioned that I am an extremely picky eater and quite frankly, I hate fish. And I have problems finding filling meals that are also budget friendly. I would love to be able to buy crab and lobster to make so wonderful seafood dishes every week, but it just isn't prudent. And I don't really have many seafood recipes in my repertoire.

So now I am trying to re-train my thinking about food and Lent. In previous years I would eat a lot of pasta with awesomely cheesey sauces and thanks to Pinterest (seriously heart it like whoa!) I have found some lower fat, healthier versions of alfredo along with some great new seafood recipes. I will post pictures and links to the recipe as I try them out. Now I just have to remember not to eat meat...Wish me luck!

Amy

Squee!

Ok, this is just a very quick little post because I have to squee! I am one of those people that I don't see the weight loss on someone. Not myself, not anyone else until there is a drastic difference. So, even though I have been going to TRX for a few months now and watching what I eat to a certain extent for about two weeks now, I hadn't noticed the small changes that take place in those early stages.

Today, I have had TWO gym members at work comment and ask if I had been working out. That makes my day!

You can now go back to your regularly scheduled blog posts.

Amy <3

Goals for Myself

It has been a week since I posted last and I got a friendly little nudge from one of my friends telling me that she was patiently waiting for the next post. Honestly, I've been a little distracted this week from the blog and busy at work. I am proud that even though this week has been tough emotionally I have stuck to my guns. I've been eating better and I haven't really been eating out (at this point, whatever I cook is going to be better than eating out). I went to TRX Bootcamp yesterday and am going to my sculpting class tomorrow.

I've been working on my list of goals and I think I have come up with things that will really help me make good habits. I am hoping the "1 week-ers" will force me to do it and then it will just become normal and I will continue on. Let me know if you have any additions for me! So, here I go.

1. Eat breakfast at home all week
2. Take my lunch to work all week + #1
3. Cook dinner every night + #1 and #2
4. Include fruits and/or vegetables in each meal
5. DRINK WATER! (Remembering my water bottle is imperative here. Not so good at that yet.)
6. Drink only 1 non-water drink per day for 1 week
7. Drink only water for 1 week
8. Attend TRX (without skipping) for 2 months
9. Incorporate exercise into my week 3x a week

And I can go ahead and cross #1 off my list. Yay!

1. Eat breakfast at home all week

I am going on almost 2 weeks of breakfast at home! I went to Subway for a free breakfast on Monday, but it was a healthy, flat bread sandwich with egg white, half a slice of provolone, a strip of bacon and a slice of cucumber. It was good.

I am still trying to find some ways to switch up the breakfast routine so it isn't just cereal everyday and I saw the Jimmy Dean Delights turkey sausage muffin in the freezer section. It was actually pretty good and only 260 calories. I'm going to look around and see what other kind of selections they have. Wish me luck!

Amy <3

A Love/Hate Relationship

Last night was TRX night. TRX and I are in a complicated relationship. It loves to hate me and I just hate it. Kinda sorta, but not really. I think I secretly like it. I honestly probably wouldn't have gone back after the first week if the class wasn't at my workplace. Did I forget to mention that I work at a wellness center? Yeah, so I really don't have any excuse. Arthur, the instructor, threatened to hunt me down if I didn't come back. He would have done it too so I kept going back.

I was the only one in class. Yay me! It was a very interesting experience and not in a bad way. It made me entertain the idea of a personal trainer more seriously. I had thought about it, but it can be pricey so I haven't committed to the idea yet.

This TRX class isn't strictly TRX at the moment. With our youth basketball league we don't have space in the gym for our evening classes so we have to get creative. Arthur rises to the challenge. We did a tabata on the spin bike. I officially seriously dislike the spin bike. It was a great way to get my heart rate up and work my legs, but it was so freaking uncomfortable. I've never really been interested in taking a spin class, but that definitely put that possibility firmly off the table.

For those of you unfamiliar with this newer workout tool, it was developed by the Navy Seals. They wanted something compact and light weight they could carry with them so they could stay fit while deployed. It is a very simple system. One strap hooks on to the wall (about 8ft up) or can be anchored in the door and it splits in to two separate straps with handles and cradles that you can put your feet in. Boy did they ever do a good job with this invention. Your imagination is your limit with this system. You can do sit ups, rows, crunches, push ups, presses, flys, anything and everything that your little heart could desire. The boys in the picture below are in the raised position, think about the angle they will be at when they lower themselves. That is a serious angle right there.

                                         Photo by Joyce Costello, USAG Livorno Public Affairs.

The thing I actually really do like about TRX is that anyone can do it. I am at least 100lbs over weight and I am using this system that was developed by the freaking Navy Seals. As Arthur would say, "that right there is a little bit of awesome."

Today I feel pretty good. No soreness, wouldn't even know I had worked out. Tomorrow is what I like to think of as the day of pain. It is also when I have my sculpting class. Wish me luck!

Amy <3

Busy Weekend

Today I have been thinking through all the recipes in my head and I realized that not many of them are healthy. Though, to be honest, I've known that for a while. I grew up in the South, we don't really do healthy very well (even though my mama is a yankee). Everything is coated in flour and either deep fried or pan fried, including the vegetables. And if the vegetables aren't fried you will find them in a gloriously ooey gooey cheesey casserole. There is always a starch and that starch tends to make up a good portion of your plate. Think 2 or 3 serving sizes. And then you smother the entire plate in gravy. Fruit? That is for the jello mold. You'd think I was talking about Thanksgiving or Christmas. That sounds like a holiday meal, right? At my grandmother's, every meal was a holiday meal.

Seriously, the woman knew how to cook. And she loved to cook. She always made sure she had a pound cake ready for me, a chocolate cake ready for my brother, and a caramel pecan cake ready for my father when we arrived at her house. Sometimes we were down there every weekend. That is a lot of cake. She had a dining room table that sat 8 people and the table was always full of food for lunch and dinner. I mean, no space left available. There was barely enough room for our plates and silverware.

So, in all of this I was trying to plan out my weekend meals. At least for dinner. Then I remembered that it is Queens Feast in Charlotte and I have reservations at the Melting Pot. Ok, not a huge problem. Yes there will be wonderful cheesey fondu and a fabulous chocolate fondu which isn't the best when it comes to heathly eating, but it's not like I go to dinner there every week. Then I was reminded by a call from one of my moms (anyone I babysit for is one of my  "families" or "moms") seeing if 8am Saturday was good for the overnight sit I had completely forgot I had booked. Well crap. There goes the weekend. I am still trying to figure out how to make the dinner I had so desperately wanted to make on Saturday without it being a big to do.

I first found this recipe during Lent last year. (FYI, I hate Lent. I am a bad Catholic that way.) I always have trouble finding good things that aren't expensive and aren't a PB and Mayo sandwich (I'm from the South, remember?). And then, I found this little gem on Pinterest. I heart Pinterest like whoa. It is a wonderfully flavorful and surprisingly easy to make shrimp and pasta dish. I might even be adventurous and make it with whole wheat angel hair pasta.

Well, wish me luck! I have a feeling I am going to need it in more ways than one this weekend! I hope you all have a wonderful three day weekend!

Amy <3

This Is Me

Ok. So. This is me. Trying to lose weight. I don't really know what I am doing except that I am trying and that is half the battle right? I hope so anyway.

I am starting small with my food goals because every other time my goals have been obscure, like 'eat healthy." What does that even mean anyway? Especially to a picky eater like me. I'm talking like two year old picky. They tease me at work about how picky I am. I can count on one hand the vegetables that I will eat.

My goal this week was to eat breakfast at home every day. Then I ran out of milk last night (I crave milk and last night was one of those nights), so I stopped and got a biscuit because it was quick and easy on the way to work.

I am trying to get out of the quick and easy mind frame, but it is hard. So tomorrow I start again. I eat breakfast at home because one mistake won't derail me like it usually does. Once I've got this goal down, I will move on. Writing this I am inspired to write each goal down and then cross them off the list. Crossing things off a list is so satisfying. I will get on that. Anyways, thanks for reading :)